Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’