#TopTip
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
THE AUDACITY. 😤
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
dutch so unserious
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen