He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*seductively eats two tums*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago