11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
i choose….tongue
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.