Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.