Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.