The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Was it something I said?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.