SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Are we there yet?…
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
The answer is funnier than the question
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”