HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.