School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
You Might Also Like
I love you, but you鈥檙e not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid鈥檚 backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You: Where鈥檚 Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I鈥檇 like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
馃
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
PILOT: we鈥檒l be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I鈥檓 just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he鈥檚 a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Just when you think you鈥檙e getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm