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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Him: sometimes I think you just don鈥檛 care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don鈥檛 let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i鈥檇 keep shit like that pretty vague
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
You won鈥檛 find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA鈥檚 early experimental cafeteria test salad programs鈥攁 number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I鈥檓 envious because every dog I鈥檝e ever known has done nothing all day long.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid鈥檚 Tale and Animal Farm, I didn鈥檛 expect to be living all three at once 馃槖
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If robots are so smart, why can鈥檛 my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we鈥檝e entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.