me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Just me?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.