when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.