*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Monica just destroyed the internet
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.