Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The days of good grammer has went
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?