[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Dishonest mechanic?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…