I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
This checks out
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”