Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.