9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand