With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.