I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I never needed anything more in my life
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider