We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Best spot.. 😅
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
You sure about that?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.