My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month