wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Meat Cute
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies