DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me when my alarm goes off