My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.