Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
this has to be peak English
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.