6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.