Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’m giving up ice.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money