I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.