I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
When I can’t barge, I careen.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Not recommended for beginners.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”