Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
A great tip. #CakeRex
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?