Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My birthstone is kidney
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.