4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU