[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*