“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Simple enough.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.