Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
You Might Also Like
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites