Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
had to share :’)
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“what that mouth do?” complain
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.