[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
You Might Also Like
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Saving my good tweets for marriage
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends