You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”