good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
pls suprot
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
This fish is cracking me up
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…