Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Every time my phone rings
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?