“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Monday
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.