just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!