Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
You Might Also Like
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.