ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.