I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
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Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.