me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.