Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you