We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
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[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
BETRAYAL
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.